Friday, August 23, 2013

The struggles of a stay at home mom - Its not easy for me!

Most mothers I have read find it much easier being a stay at home mom. For me not so much, I struggle day in and day out with this - I am much more organized and happy when I am working. For the past few days I have been trying to gather why its such a battle for me living at home.  And these are the notions I get:

  • I feel lonely, depressed and restless
  • I have no control over my life and that makes me feel really uneasy about my future.
I know what I lack is some organization but staying at home is not easy without any structure. And although I come up with schedules and plans, they work out for a while and then I am back to square one and feeling much more like a failure than I did before. And this cycle keeps repeating itself. So  in this quest of finding out why the stay at home mom doesn't work for me or my behavior towards it - I look at my younger years to see what home actually meant to me.

The Younger Years

When I was young, home definitely meant that it was a place for me to be as lazy as possible. For most of the time in a year I was at boarding school where there were classes held on Saturday as well. We had holidays about every two and half months in a year where I went home. I had no ground rules laid out for me, no chores whatsoever - I did what I wanted to do, I could sleep in almost everyday  and no strategy of how my holidays were spent. Mostly from my recollection, I would be quite bored and couldn't wait till I got back to school. But I think this is what set precedence in my mind that home was a place where I do nothing. I am not saying this is an excuse but its my perception on my behavior mindset why I am so hopeless when I stay at home. I bound to incline myself to laziness.

The Change

So my first inclination to be a better stay at home mom is to change my mindset. I need to believe that I am doing this for myself. For the past few years, I have made myself believe that any change positive I do is for my husband, my family etc but I believe if I am going to make any progress it has to be for me alone.

 One to schedule my normal activities and not bombard it with everything possible that needs to be done. Take baby steps, add in one responsibility into the normal activity and master it. Only then add another one. Reminder is to never over schedule because if I can't achieve I always end up feeling like I failed.

Two be consistent, I believe I am bound to slip and fall but to keep consistent in the framework of the general schedule. I need to get a stage where when I get depressed I don't let everything fall into pieces. I always self-encourage the small steps.

Three -My husband always reminds me that a lot is riding on me as a parent. My young one is going to look up to me and see how I am going to do things. I definitely can't while my time away sitting around doing nothing while the house descends to shambles. I want her growing up to be productive and hard working - definitely not lazy!


The Outcome

For the past few weeks, I am honing on these changes of my mindset to keep on reminding me that the positives are going to outweigh the negatives. It keeps me to having a happy husband, happy family and most of all a happier me!!



21 comments:

  1. It's not so easy being a stay at home mom, though my husband said he'd trade places with me any day (he hates his job). It's lonely. It's monotonous. Meal times -- I can't bare to make another dinner most days. But I'm also of the creative bent, being a writer, and that is my outlet. When I had severe writers block for all their toddler years, I took up weaving lol. I don't know what your interests are, or what you were doing before children, but I would not try to convince yourself that your happiness is your children. It isn't. Your happiness must come from within, as my own mother taught me. So as a mother of a now 8 and 9 year old boys, I am allowing you to be a bit more selfish:)

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    1. Hi Sandra, stay at home mom i agree can be very lonely and yeah there are days I don't want to cook either...hoping my hubby and i could have take out but the reasonable thing is to be responsible and do it. I think I started writing because I needed to voice out the things within me, it definitely makes me feel better to hear there are women out struggling like me. I love my baby girl and she does make me happy but sometimes I feel empty inside and I realize I can change this way.

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  2. I struggle with it too! And the hardest part is that I am not supposed to struggle with it and do it with a smile on my face and also look great doing it. It is much under appreciated. It seems to others that an outside job is much more valued. I was even told that what I do at home is not for my family but what my husband does (because it brings in money) is for the family. Everyone is different. Just like certain people can do various jobs and others can't, the same goes for being a SAHM. Just because I am a woman, I am naturally supposed to love it. And I can't say I do. I love being with my kids, however I don't like not feeling appreciated.

    I also look at the positives to get me by. I always wanted to be a business owner, so I have been planting seeds to follow my dream.

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    1. I definitely can resonate to the fact sometimes we are unappreciated...and that itself is depressing. I know my husband brings in the money and works hard. I realize that he has his struggles as well and I sometimes feel ridiculous bemoaning my stay at home struggles but they are real to me! Also I too come from a family which is very critical of what success is and stay at home mom is quite frowned upon but I have realized I have to do what makes me happy - I think it takes a lot to turn away those remarks and keep going at it.I guess in someways believing that we are finding some success in ourselves and being positive is key to persevering!!

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  3. OH I can relate to this post. I've been frustrated as a stay at home mom, depressed, lonely, discouraged. It took a huge mindset change for me to realize how important what I was doing was.

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  4. I think its a toss up either way having been a WM and a SAHM I think that there are pros and cons to both. I definitely wouldn't trade my days a SAHM though.

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    1. I do agree there are perks on being a SAHM and a WM and also downside on both but I think while we are on one stage either a SAHM or WM we find the other appealing!

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  5. This post really got me thinking. My husband & I both work full-time, over an hour away from home, & on reading the title my first thoughts were how I'd give anything to be a SAHM. I feel I'm missing so much of my little boy, I'm exhausted all the time, & I'm finding it particularly difficult to find time to attend to things like doctor's appointments for my son as there's only so much time off work you can take. But you've made me reflect on the downsides. I too am far more organised when I'm working & being at home brings out my laziness. I fear I would be setting a bad example for my son if he were to witness that behaviour regularly. If I were ever in a position to become a SAHM I would definitely have to change my mindset & become more productive.
    Thank you for such an honest & enlightening post.

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  6. My husband always thinks I have it easy being a stay at home mom. That isn't always the case.

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    1. I don't think husbands always realize the case, they find that being a stay at home mom is easy...they wonder why its soo hard!!

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  7. Hey ladies, I just had a baby 4 months ago and went back to work when he was almost 3 months old. I struggled going back to work because I have a 2 year old as well. I always talk about being a stay at home mom/bossiness owner but the time has not presented itself. But when I was off work it was kinda hard do in and day out not going to work and feeling useful besides being a mom. Going to work outside the home do seem more valuable to others but being a stay at home mom is under appreciated and people thinks its easy and its not. Hang in there hun and enjoy these years as much as possible

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  8. I get lonely and sad feeling too sometimes. I've found that having a set schedule every day does help. I'm anxious to get back to work outside the house!

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  9. I found something really important for me (because I fall into depressions when I feel lonely) I try to go out and do something for myself (at least once a month) like a pedicure or getting my hair cut. I also make sure to have a date night with my man at least every other week. And to have dates with my friends as well, this way I don't feel like I'm loosing myself. That's just my opinion :)

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  10. I think we are alike in the fact that staying home is not something I like too.. well, I am not exactly a stay at home Mom since I work full time outside home.. but for the past 3 months, I am on disability and is off from work.. even this short period of time at home is leaving me restless and depressed. I can totally relate with you :(

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    1. I know being at home - i suddenly have so much time that sometimes organizing and structuring it can also lead to restlessness. Not getting things done how I wanted to..gets me bogged down at times.

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  11. I'm not sure I can totally relate as my LO wont get here until early January. But, I will be a WAHM. I left my company job to start my own online store and work from home. Economy was bad and if there was a time to venture out and try my own thing, it was then. I must admit in the beginning it was exciting but after a while, it just became the same ordeal. I try not to be lazy either but it happens more often than not. I do find reassurance and confidence that this is the best thing I could have done for my family. My husband works very long unpredictable hours and with LO on the way I can't be more content. I find that in the midst of your normal routine duties it is important you do something for yourself. Maybe even learn/try something new. It might seem like "too much work" at first but you'll see that you will feel much better when you better yourself. I know I know easier said than done. But good luck to you!

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    1. Thanks lillien - this is really good advice..for now this blog writing is what I do to for myself - it helps me - it gives me a voice and I get to hear great advice and connect with people...so progress is being made - tiny steps but having a good outcome these days!

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  12. My daughter is 4 (as of today) and I've been a SAHM since she was 6 months old. I tried to go back to work and I had such a hard time with it.
    I also had a hard time when I first became a SAHM. I was so lonely, depressed, and restless. I finally got out of the funk by making some mommy friends both online and off.
    Now its easier though I still have moments of being lonely.
    I'm working on being more organized and rearranging our home lol

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    1. I think I am in that same boat in making new friends and trying to get organize and structure my day into doing things..

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  13. As the mother of older kids I have to say that this is just a phase, if you want it to be. Not everyone is built to be a happy SAHM, and you don't have to stay that way forever, -this is just one phase in your life and as your kids get older perhaps, and things are more routine, there may come a point where you can feasibly go back to work.
    One thing though - however well-meaning your husband may be, it's unfair to tell you that there is a lot riding on you as a mother. There is just as much riding on him so don't take on that responsibility all by yourself.

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  14. I do agree this is a phase...and this phase occurs every time I am at home but yes I believe things will change,soon my little one will be off to school so I can get back to working part time. I think my husband hates to find me depressed and I don't think he knows well to address me then. But he does know as parents - responsibility lies more on both of us but yes he does feel it relies more on me since I spend day in and day out with her. But I too shouldn't blame myself. Its a passing phase and for the past few weeks its been really good and my husband has been really supportive of the changes I am making!

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